Ashlee Simpson (joke implied)
Orange Bowl: January, 5th '05. 76,000 football fans boo her when she walks on stage and Boo her when she finishes butchering the song she was HIRED to perform. My god, there is so much material here I don't know where to start. Take a look at the video from this fantastic slam site.
First, I do not blame Ashlee. I did, but now the fault rests squarely on her child abusing father; Joe Simpson. This is the problem with America today. Too many people are told they can sing. Just watch an episode of American Idol and you will see a bevy of talentless hopefuls who strongly disagree with the notion that they plainly suck. Then you see their Moms acting supportive and fighting for their honor. Puuhlezee stop it! Have a shirley temple and wait for your name to be called by the Karaoke Ringmaster and be satisfied with the hail of drunken claps you get.
Joe Simpson, be a dad. Take your money, smile and let your broken little girl go. Let her resume her acting career. Let her go to college and be a normal girl. She is not talented and I know you are not that stupid to think she is. If money were not involved in this, we would never be talking about this. You are a child abuser and should be ashamed Mr Simpson, and I don't mean Nick Lachey.
Somewhere before this fiasco (which followed SNL and the Billboard suck-job) there was a meeting with Orange Bowl officials and Joe Simpson. He sat there, contract in hand, and sold her knowing full well she was not going to be able to perform professionally. Perhaps he was still high from the crack he was smoking while he booked her upcoming 20-some-odd date tour. A tour? Are you Fucking kidding me? Is there any footage, anywhere of a knock out performance by her? Nope. I have seem them all. Even when she is lipsyncing, she can't dance, she looks awkward on stage and has a attitude more suited for a high school production.
Now, I am in the industry so this may piss me off personally more than you. I don't mind pop music for money. Really I don't. Do your little MTV show, sell your 2 million copies and laugh as the little girls in Pensacola wait in line for 3 hours at the Virgin Megastore just to listen to a taped recording and get a signed bumper sticker. Do that. But lay off the real stuff. The SNL slot. The Billboard Awards. The halftime shows. Let the pros do that. Let people who live this do that.
Last word: Joe Simpson, you greedy bastard. You brilliant s.o.b. While I abhor what you have done to your daughter's psyche, I am thoroughly impressed with your ability to dupe pretty much everyone in the United States. The fact that she got the Orange Bowl gig AFTER the SNL thing is a testament to your Godlike negotiation skills and your ability to wield Obi-Wan type Mojo force mind powers. "She will play the Orange Bowl, you saw nothing, you heard nothing." Waving his hand. So, my point here is: use those abilities for good, Joe.
Find a good artist-not named Simpson. Hmmmm, I don't know, maybe me.
Email me Joe, let's do lunch. I'll be in L.A. in May. Thanks.
First, I do not blame Ashlee. I did, but now the fault rests squarely on her child abusing father; Joe Simpson. This is the problem with America today. Too many people are told they can sing. Just watch an episode of American Idol and you will see a bevy of talentless hopefuls who strongly disagree with the notion that they plainly suck. Then you see their Moms acting supportive and fighting for their honor. Puuhlezee stop it! Have a shirley temple and wait for your name to be called by the Karaoke Ringmaster and be satisfied with the hail of drunken claps you get.
Joe Simpson, be a dad. Take your money, smile and let your broken little girl go. Let her resume her acting career. Let her go to college and be a normal girl. She is not talented and I know you are not that stupid to think she is. If money were not involved in this, we would never be talking about this. You are a child abuser and should be ashamed Mr Simpson, and I don't mean Nick Lachey.
Somewhere before this fiasco (which followed SNL and the Billboard suck-job) there was a meeting with Orange Bowl officials and Joe Simpson. He sat there, contract in hand, and sold her knowing full well she was not going to be able to perform professionally. Perhaps he was still high from the crack he was smoking while he booked her upcoming 20-some-odd date tour. A tour? Are you Fucking kidding me? Is there any footage, anywhere of a knock out performance by her? Nope. I have seem them all. Even when she is lipsyncing, she can't dance, she looks awkward on stage and has a attitude more suited for a high school production.
Now, I am in the industry so this may piss me off personally more than you. I don't mind pop music for money. Really I don't. Do your little MTV show, sell your 2 million copies and laugh as the little girls in Pensacola wait in line for 3 hours at the Virgin Megastore just to listen to a taped recording and get a signed bumper sticker. Do that. But lay off the real stuff. The SNL slot. The Billboard Awards. The halftime shows. Let the pros do that. Let people who live this do that.
Last word: Joe Simpson, you greedy bastard. You brilliant s.o.b. While I abhor what you have done to your daughter's psyche, I am thoroughly impressed with your ability to dupe pretty much everyone in the United States. The fact that she got the Orange Bowl gig AFTER the SNL thing is a testament to your Godlike negotiation skills and your ability to wield Obi-Wan type Mojo force mind powers. "She will play the Orange Bowl, you saw nothing, you heard nothing." Waving his hand. So, my point here is: use those abilities for good, Joe.
Find a good artist-not named Simpson. Hmmmm, I don't know, maybe me.
Email me Joe, let's do lunch. I'll be in L.A. in May. Thanks.
posted by Michael St. James at 4:02 PM
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